Life has moments when it appears stable, but so does nitroglycerine

I think that “are you O.K.” is the most hated question I have ever heard in my life. It’s not “are you O.K. – do you need a hug?” or “are you O.K. – I know I can’t help, but let me just sit here with you and you don’t have to say a word”, or “are you O.K. – yes, all is rubbish anyway, how about some ice-cream?”, or “are you O.K. – it’s fine if you want to stay in your cave; I will put Sinatra on”.  It’s an “are you O.K. – so are you better now, because the thought of you not smiling all the time and looking like you aren’t on top of things makes me feel uncomfortable about myself” type of a question.

No, I may not be O.K. and to be frank, I don’t think I am. I’m not sorry however that I don’t look happy enough and I seriously don’t care how it makes others think. Somehow these days a person cannot be simply real even for one moment, because someone else seems to be offended or pushed into a place of discomfort where for once in their lives they actually have to face their own insecurities. The world we created doesn’t seem to be O.K. with people not feeling O.K. all the time. Our own feelings are not ours anymore, rather they became public property. Our lives aren’t ours to share anymore either – others happily do it for us in a very distasteful attempt to reach some kind of a personal catharsis at someone else’s expense. If we are all so Greek then we should attend theatres more often and watch actual tragedies. Or follow the Greek economy with its cultural inability of embracing even temporary austerity.

Can it be understood that the happiness of person A doesn’t solely rest on person B? People aren’t a perpetuum mobile for someone else’s moods. There is only as much as one can take. One life per person, please.

Everyone is going through things. I know that this may come as a surprise for many, but as much as we are the centre of our universes, there is an actual universe within which we are but a speck of dust. Also, most of the time we just pretend that we are O.K. Most of the time we have lost hope dozens of time, but seeing someone else on the verge of losing theirs… we pretend that we still believe in order to encourage them not to give up. Yes, we lie hoping that our lies will become someone else’s truth.

We appear strong and fearless, but most of the time we are soft, weak and terrified of our own shadow – we have just made a decision not to give into fear. The fear of giving into fear is what pushes us forward. Not some extreme bravery, but an insane realisation that just as a double negative equals a positive in math, so this principle may perhaps be applicable in the science of life. Fearing our own minds is what breaks the shackles each time and compels us to take another step forward and then another step, and another… until even we can’t pretend. Our knees collapse under the weight of what we carry and we find no strength to get up. We have fooled everyone around us, we have even fooled ourselves, but at some point, there is only as much vigour as we can shake out of our innards and there is only as much foolishness called hope that we can rekindle. At some point all that dies and instead of a rollercoaster ride, full of overly-frequent inclines and plunges, we are left with a steady heart line, the non-existing EEG reading. The incessant ride we have grown to despise has turned into a dead silence. Something in us has given up. Something has died. The pinnacle that used to tremble, worry, laugh, believe and hope has been successfully put to sleep. It no longer trusts us. The motivational speeches we have preached to it have no longer the desired effect. The day-to-day NLP has lost its power. Deep inside we realise that we have no power over what is happening and we certainly have no strength left to attempt moving another brick, because there is never enough of what we can do. We have been feeding the Leviatan of everyone’s expectations and we simply have no food left unless we decide to throw our own bodies and souls in the manner of the Japanese kamikadze.

The double negative which normally transforms into a positive has remained just it – a double negative. By the way, have you even considered why negative things about ourselves are so much more believable than the positives? Why do we tend to trust things that hurt us, but not things that comfort us? Because we have previously been hurt within the comfort zone we had learnt to trust and trust was what had blinded us to the reality around us in the first place. We have therefore learned to appreciate the bed of thorns over the bed of feathers. Thorns keep us alert. Alertness, rather than comfort is the new “safe”. But, don’t believe that orange is the new black. Orange is as the name suggests – orange.

Perhaps there is a way. Perhaps there is a positive after all. The world is supposed to an environment that rests upon the equalising factor. It can never be too bad that some good wouldn’t come out of it and there cannot be too much good that something bad wouldn’t sprout out from its midst. Only one person’s lifetime isn’t enough to experience the steady flow of the life circle; most of the time we are stuck at the level of staring at the double negative and not understanding how it can ever amount to anything good.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Life has moments when it appears stable, but so does nitroglycerine

  1. Brilliantly expressed. So often we thrive on living in the waste of our faltering illusions. The beautiful truth of delicate rawness you talk about is where we have the continual opportunity to share. It floats above our awareness… i think that’s the space between the two negatives. When we’re open to accepting the actuality of difficulty as fact we can notice the goodness within/beyond/at the uncomfortable moments we live. That node of honesty is the good stuff. The real stuff. It’s sort of like frogger. I’m into the ambiguous amphibious. Easier writ than lived. Meanwhile- you’re essentially a champion… and I see why. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have never considered a positive resting between two negatives; in contrary to the mathematical equation. Something to ponder upon. Thank you Neshama.

      Like

      1. You are such a fantastic thinker Esther, I simply love and enjoy reading your thoughts. This may be a bit weird because I do understand what you say and I think you mean, and I agree fully and yet, I myself do not linger on my failures and bad times even though I do thoroughly, not only admit to them to me, but to anyone who is interested. But it is due to my personal relationship with God that somehow uncomfortable moments last the blink of an eye. When asked if I am OK (it is a stupid question unless in combination with your suggestions), I honestly answer that indeed I am because I really am and feel so because my reliance on God is unshaken by circumstances.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I thoroughly love Esther (Nedida) and her writing is absolutely champion material and she never fails to impress me with her thoughts, they are diamonds, not in the rough, but polished. What I red in your commentary assures me you too are a wondrous thinker and writer. Do you have a blog?, I would enjoy reading it if you do

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s